Shame comes in various forms but ironically is held between the midst of two forearms .
Two levels of right and wrong , well left and right , heart versus brain . Intellect vs emotions . Reality versus perception. Accountability versus blame . Well, all in all I guess shame is one hell of a mystery isn’t it ?
Or is the mystery deciding whether or not to be shameful with your past , present or future?
My past tells me to feel shame how a baby feels tears are
the solution of communication.
My present tells me shame is to be swallowed like a pill that sits on your throat just how a monk sits on a mountain.
My future tells me this shame will turn into resolved accountability for learning who I am , where I want to be and who I will become .
So I guess my saying would be :
Dear shame ,
I feel you in my heart , I hear you in my mind , I see you in my reflection . I embrace your existence for what it is , but for the love of God would you teach me rather than taunt me? Would you guide me rather than fight me ? Would you practice patience the same as how God expresses love to be .
Because ultimately I’ve fallen in love with shaming myself , blaming myself .
I guess that’s the first step into change , admit the shit thats wrong
full throttle , no break pedal ,
no tape over the mouth that attempts to speak truth .
So here it is :
My shame is blamed to the mistakes I’ve made , the lies I’ve told , the women I’ve hurt,
the hearts I’ve buried further than just 10 feet beneath the
10 toes that have stomped on them,
the ex I should have loved better in highschool ,
the women I’ve used for filing my own void ,
the therapist I never saw again , the sister who used to be my best friend ,
the brother I wish I could hug more than once a month ,
the cousin I have seen fight his
demons harder than he fought his own father , the aunt who sits with God on days she can’t bear to sit
with herself at the dinner table ,
the father I see living to learn from past regrets ,
the sisters I should call more often,
the mother I want to get out of the hood and finally to the woman I see in the broken cracks of my reflection .
We will make it .
Yvette G Santana is a Lantinx spoken word artist from the South Bronx NYC. She is a mental health advocate who creates awareness of mental health through poetry and art. She is also the owner of the I AM NOT CRAZY MOVEMENT. Her mission is to break stigmas of mental health and mental illness.
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